I had the extreme pleasure of seeing Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, live this past week here in Vancouver.
I am a big fan of his work and personally use it with my clients, so when my friend Jessie said he was coming to Vancouver I was all in. When we arrived we told we were in the Gold Circle – ooohhh, ahhh. But as the keener, fangirl I am, I insisted we sit in the open seats in the front row.
The reason I am divorced is because I never felt loved in my marriage. One of the biggest reasons for that is that my ex-husband did not know how to speak Words of Affirmation – my Primary Love Language. Loving someone is not enough. In order for your partner to feel loved, you must communicate to them in their Primary Love Language.
What tends to happen is that we speak our own love language because that is what we know and understand, but if your partner has a different love language, your attempt to demonstrate your love is lost. It is like speaking Greek to someone who only speaks and understand French; the message and sentiment is not translated into its intended meaning.
So how do you make sure your partner feels loved?
Take the Love Languages Quiz and discover what your Primary Love Languages are. Then spend some time talking about it on a date night. Do a “Start, Stop & Continue” exercise by asking each other these three questions:
- START: Are there things that I can start doing that would make you feel more loved?
- STOP: Are there things that I do that make you feel rejected or unloved?
- CONTINUE: What things that I currently do make you feel loved?
Share your Primary Love Language and communicate how you feel loved in your relationship. What is your Primary Love Language?
Words of Affirmation
This is my Primary Love Language so as long as I have kind and uplifting words communicated to me I feel loved. Sincere compliments and hearing that I did a good job, added value and am appreciated are music to my ears. Call me beautiful and I will love you forever. I love cards with meaningful words rather than funny cards and if you write your own words inside it means so much more. I love endearments and feel cherished when I am called Babe, Pretty Girl or Princess.
Acts of Service
If Acts of Service is your Primary Love language then you feel loved when someone helps you out. You are in heaven when your partner takes out the garbage, cooks a meal, reads over your work, or helps you out with a project.
A gift as Dr. Chapman explains is a thought in action. “I thought of you when I saw this so I got it for you.” If Receiving Gifts is your Primary Love Language you feel adored when people bring you gifts, no matter how big or small, it is all about the fact they thought of you and acted upon that thought.
If your Primary Love Language is Quality Time you feel loved when people make time for you. When your partner says, “let’s go away for the weekend; just the two of us,” you are in complete and total bliss. Sitting side by side watching TV is not quality time, unless of course you plan a date night, order in and snuggle up to watch a Netflix series and talk about it afterwards.
If holding hands makes your heart melt then Physical Touch might be your Primary Love Language. The best way to make you feel loved is to reach over and put a hand on your knee when driving, hugging you three times a day, running fingers through your hair and placing an arm around you so you feel safe.
Dr. Chapman told a funny story at the event about how he vacuums the house for his wife as her love language is Acts of Service. He despises vacuuming but loves making his wife feel loved. She once mentioned the blinds needed dusting. The next morning when she came into the living room to find him dusting the blinds, she said, “What are you doing?” He responded, “Making love…I am making love.” She responded in his love language Words of Affirmation, “You are amazing honey!” and he said…”Say it one more time?” Such a funny story that really illustrates them honoring and lifting each other up through their love languages.
Dr. Chapman has several other books including The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers. A few months ago I had my son do the Love Languages quiz. As parents, it is important to understand how our children experience love, but also to teach them how to effectively communicate love in relationships for their future success.
A few days after having the discussion with my son about the 5 Love Languages we were having a discussion in which I said to him, “You know Matt, Mom used to be beautiful when she was younger.” He replied, “You still are beautiful mom;” and in that moment my heart overflowed with love. I had not only taught my son how to love his future partner, but in the meantime, while he is practicing his new skills, I am the one who benefits.
I’d love to know your Primary Love Language! Share with me by commenting below.
I am all about elevating love! That’s why I created Unlocking Love – The Short Course. This online course will immediately help you uncover and begin healing what’s holding you back from EPIC love. The video and downloadable worksheets will walk you through a process of discovery that is unique to you. I have designed this course to get you the most meaningful outcomes without a large investment of time or money! Learn more here.
And if you haven’t already taken the Your Key To Unlocking Love Quiz yet, do it now!
Or if you think you might be ready to really commit to the love you desire, I’d love to help! Contact me today at [email protected] to schedule a complimentary 30 minute Discovery Session where we can talk about your unique situation and the best way for you to get the results you desire.